A Few Jokes

[trick_xd]

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.

The man said, "I want to have sex with you RIGHT NOW! I'll drop 500
dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick
it up I will take you from behind and be on my way!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute.

She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's
proposition.

Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can
pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back.

"What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The lady said "That Son-Of-A- had $500 in 20 cent pieces!!!"

================================================== ==

Subject:
Is Hell exothermic or endothermic........ The following is
supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington, St. Louis, chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet,
which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One
student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets
to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that
if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there
is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change
of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to
expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over,
it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a Divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting.....Oh my God!

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY A.



=============================================



Anger Management


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it. A man answered,saying
"Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with
Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in
number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that
anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn'
call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "
You're an a**hole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word
'a**hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of
weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up
and yell, " You're an a**hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'a**hole'
calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the
Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a**hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in
his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**hole (I had his
number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW a**hole,
too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Melbourne. It's a yellow house, and
the car's parked right out in front." What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you,
Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen,Don,can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an a**hole!
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**holes to call.
Then I came up with an idea.

I called A**shole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an a**hole!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"A**hole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Melbourne, a yellow house, with my
black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole," and hung up.

Then I called A**hole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, a**hole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick you're a**," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, a**hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."


Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
34 Mowbray Blvd, Melbourne, and that I was on my way over there to kill
my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going
down in Mowbray Blvd,.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. got there just in
time to watch two a**holes beating the crap out of each other in front
of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really works.

[Lightning Strike GT]

With all this Terror going on in the world today the dept of Centrelink has issued a warning for the detaining of the following housing commission terrorists.
But don't fear they have caught 2 of the 3 they captured Bin Drinkin and caught Bin Smokin but they are having a hard time trying to locate Bin Workin.