A few good ones hahaha

[XRCIST]

A woman stands looking in the bedroom mirror for what seems like an eternity and then turns to her husband who is sitting behind her . She says - "I'm horrible and fat and ugly !!! Pay me a compliment to cheer me up" He says - "Your eyesight's spot on !!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch. and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought
for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with
Robert Redford for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars, and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a
million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would!
I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just
love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom
Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you
know how much a million could buy? "

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His
father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between Potentially
and Realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million
dollars, but Realistically, we're living with two sluts and a poof."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.


As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[photn]

BWHAHAHAHAHA lol those are good....

[bjr22n_]

hahahaaa, :

[FASTXR]

Hahahahah love the first and last ones!!

[NA XR6]

Excellent
Keep them coming

[XRCIST]

Two guys are in a supermarket when their trolleys collide.
Bob says, "I'm sorry, I was looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate," says Joe. "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" asks Bob.
Joe replies, "She's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm breas*s and a magnificent backside. What does your wife look like?"
"Never mind," says Bob, "let's look for yours!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You go up to her and say, "Hi, I'm great in bed, how about it?".
-- That's Direct Marketing.

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You give your friend a tender. She goes up and says "Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, how about it?".
-- That's Advertising.

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You somehow mop up her mobile number. You call and chat her up a while and then say "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?"
-- That's Tele-Marketing.

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You recognize her. You walk up to her, refresh her memory and get her to laugh and giggle and then suggest, "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?".
-- That's Customer Relationship Management.

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You put on your spring boots and walk around playing Mr. Busy. You put on your best smile and walk around being Mr. Congenial. You fresh all the Thesaurus links in your memory and play Mr. Polished. You stand straight, you talk soft and smooth, you open the door for the ladies, you smile like a dream, you set an aura around you playing Mr. Gentleman and then you move up to the girl and say, "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?".
-- That's Hard Selling.

You go to a party, you see an attractive girl across the room. SHE COMES OVER and says, "Hi, I hear you're great in bed, how about it?"
-- Now THAT is the power of Branding!

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>Dammit Skippy
>
>A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This
>is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very
>nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
>
>The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her
>nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost
>bringing tears to her eyes and she accidentally lets out a
>dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard it.
>
>Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's
>father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the
>woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!"
>
>Relieved that the dog has been blamed she doesn't even hesitate
>when, a couple of minutes later, she begins to feel pains again.
>
>This time, . She let a much louder longer and stinkier fart rip.
>
>The father again looked and the dog and yelled "SKIPPY!!"
>
>A few minutes later the woman had to fart again. This time she
>didn't even think twice. She let rip a fart that sounded like
>ripping Velcro and smelled like a decomposing skunk.
>
>Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
>
>"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she sh*ts all over you!"

[[Tonko]]

BWAHAHAHA. gold! pure gold!

[Van D]

lol, funny.

[photn]

gold keep them comming. it about the only thing thats keeping me awake at my work..

[XRCIST]

Two builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit:

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder:

Phil: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh ! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example.... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Phil: - Er .. mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is Logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Phil: - Me? Never

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope

Phil: - Well then, you're a wa*ker.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man."

He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Contrary to popular opinion, duct tape IS NOT good for fixing everything!!!

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, When are you going out?"

"I met her the other evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my pen*s to my leg, so if I did it, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible," says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest, dress you ever saw."

"And then what happened?" asked Jeff.

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

[Ringo]

More......please.....

BILLY'S GAY DANCER DAD

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children
what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out,
fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy
was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about
his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his
clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go
out
with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with

him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little
Billy
aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too
embarrassed to say."

[photn]

GOLD keep them comming..... this is so making the day go faster.............