The Night Before Christmas
 

Now lets all sit down and listen to Uncle Bastard tell a tale of Christmas, and I swear, its all true.


'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the shed
not a vehicle was stirring, the engine was dead.
The EA was rusting, in the corner with grot,
in the hope that a miracle, would hold back the rot.

The children were sleeping at home with my ex,
while visions of Bathurst replaced those of sex.
Me dressed in my Pirtek shirt, and my Carlton Six Pack
had just settled ourselves for a long night of Jack

When out in the drive way there sounded a horn,
La Cuckaracha it sounded and I dropped my porn
Out to the driveway I shot like a flash,
to witness a burnout and then watch him crash.

A powder descended as pure as coal
as smoke from the rear wheels continued to flow,
when, what should appear, shaking my faith,
but a Bright Red Monaro, driven by Mark Skaife!

"What the hell do you want?" I yelled at the git
As he staggered and swayed, and got back in his seat
Quickly he bellowed, and quickly they came,
and he whined and he screamed and called them by name:

"Now Brockie! Now Murphy!
Now, Gricie and Firth!
On, Perkins On, Kelly!
To the end of the street!
To the top of the hill!
Now push away! push away!
Push away all!"

With farts and groans the men they all heaved,
While Skaife popped the clutch, ignition achieved!
so up to the end of the street they flew,
Doing donuts non stop til the Chev Engine blew.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard sirens approach
the 6 men in holden shirts and their big nosed coach,
Working in vein to start their dead car,
while I watched in awe with my mouth ajar.

Skaife dressed in red from his head to his foot
and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of merchanidse, he had on his back
Peddling his wares like a pimp with a sack

His eyes--how they twinkled! if you could see past his nose!
How he grinned like a cretin and struck a weird pose!
He opened his mouth, to ask for support
And I quickly summed up how i'd play it in court.
Before a word was spoken, i had made up my mind,
If the story was good I might only be fined.
I lashed out with a right; a good solid whack
And his Nose spat out blood and he dropped like a sack

The Police soon arrived, to take them away
For disturbing the peace and acting so gay.
And as the officer asked, for my side of the brawl,
He nodded and winked and listened not at all.

Perkins was first to shout from the cop car,
"I'll sue you all! Dont you know im a star!?"
But I heard cops explain as they drove out of sight.
"Tell it to your cellmate, you'll be with him all night!"

And they all lived happily ever after, now come sit on Uncle Bastards Knee.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Classic!!!!

HAHAHAHA Classic stuff Dave, Bloody brilliant.

thats great ! funny as:D

LOL very nice! havnt laughed that hard in a fair while!!

:yelrotflm Classic

another bastard classic.

HAHAHAHAHAAH, Too ken funny !!

But I aint comin anywhere near ya Uncle !

Merry Christmas too one and all!

Thats awesome Dave :)

What a top read - :hihi:

good read mate

Awesome Stuff

Thanks. :)

Thats gold. Good work.

merry christmas!!

:yelrotflm :yelrotflm

classic sour!

Great read mate, laughed my guts out. Dont know if you guys got him on radio in SA, but damn you got his sence of humour,
"Doug Mulray" started on 2mmm sydney. :evil_laug

that's great work!

Nice poem Sour One.

I will sleep well at night, knowing that you snotted Big Nose...

Bravo bravo ... Encore.
hee hee

Well done, very good

very entertaining,well done :jester:

Brilliant! What a great read :lol:

Uncle Doug was the Breakfast announcer for 2JJ AM (predecessor of triple J) well before being snared by the $$$ at triple MMM. Brought such classics as "Dr Poo" (who flew the Turdis - clingons on the starboard bowl).

I think Uncle Doug works for "The Basement" online radio station in Sydney still.

lol I managed to find this thread. Funniest thread by Mr Bastard imo.

dunno, his syndrome thread rocks!

A very Chopper Christmas
 

It was before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring not even a mouse. “Fu(ken imagine that, squeak fu(ken squeak, what are you getting for Christmas mister cheesy” “Well it is either going to be a fragrance gift set with a luffer and some soap or fu(ken nothing cause I am a fu(ken mouse”

With what should my wondering eyes should appear, a miniature slay and 8 tiny reindeer, with a little old driver so lively and quick I knew in a moment it must be saint Nick. “Well congratu fu(ken lations eyrr, stunning piece of detective work there constable Christmas.”

Then in a twinkling I heard on the roof the prancing and pouring of each and every hoof. “Prancing fu(ken hell. Santa clause you had better get your homosexual reindeer off my fu(ken roof or I am going to start fu(ken shooting”

In the chimney saint Nicolas came with a bound and he was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot and his clothes were all tarnished in asses and soot. “Then Chop Chop said what the ***** are you doing in my living room you sooty red bastard eyrr.”

His eyes how they twinkled, his dimples how merry, his cheeks were like roses is nose like a cherry. “***** me who write this eyrr. Santa clause sound like he has a face like a market garden doesn’t he. Bloody cheeks like roses, fu(ken noses like cherries, he probably has a head like a fu(ken capsicum eyrr, fu(ken hell.”

He was chubby and plump a right jolly old elf and I laughed when I saw him in spit of my self. “*****, give him a fu(ken break would ya eyrr. Everyone fu(ken feeds him, they always leave milk and biscuits out. I mean you can keep feeding the poor bastard and call him fat, it a vicious cycle eyrr and how ungrateful do you want to be, why don’t you just say give me my presents you fat *****, eyrr. Fu(ken hell.”

I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight happy fu(ken Christmas to all and to all a fu(ken good night, eyrr.

lol wtf

sounds like somethin from the ronny johns show