What jokes do you know? - Page 22

**Burnout** · 28-10-2008, 09:03 PM

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a
Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going
to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had any health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the
bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who also is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns
are married to God."
The patient replied, "Ok, send the bill to my brother-in-law."

05_ENFORCER · 28-10-2008, 09:08 PM

Old and simple.

What part of Popeye never gets rusty.

The part he puts in Olive Oil.

**Charliewool** · 29-10-2008, 08:19 AM

LITTLE HARRY ON MATH (Part 1)

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Harry.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'>

Then little Harry says, 'I have a question for YOU Miss Rogers'.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little Harry replies, 'The correct answer is 'The one with the wedding-ring on, 'but I like your thinking.'

**Charliewool** · 29-10-2008, 08:22 AM

LITTLE HARRY ON ENGLISH

Little Harry goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words in our class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Harry says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, Harry, that's a real mouthful.'

Little Harry says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow-job.'

LITTLE HARRY ON GRAMMAR

Little Harry was sitting in the class one day.

All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to go take a p1ss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now Harry, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to is, 'I need to Urinate'.

Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little Harry thinks for a bit, and then says, 'YOUR'E AN EIGHT, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN'

**Charliewool** · 29-10-2008, 08:24 AM

LITTLE HARRY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it.'>

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael.

'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael, excellent.'

Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Harry.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f*%&in' beautiful'.

birdman941 · 29-10-2008, 08:38 AM

Good one, just beautiful..........

**Charliewool** · 29-10-2008, 10:05 AM

The Bunny and the Snake

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny
and an orphaned snake. By coincidence both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and tripped over the snake
and fell down.

'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
I've been blind since birth and can't see where I'm going. In fact, since
I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.'
'That's ok,' replied the snake. 'Actually, I too, have been blind since
birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither
all over you, and figure out what you are so you'll know.
'That would be wonderful' replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered
with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a
soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.'
'Oh, thank you, thank you,' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my
paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me.'

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're smooth and
slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.
I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone in
senior management.

irlewy86 · 29-10-2008, 02:02 PM

I don't suffer from Premature Ejaculation

I enjoy every second of it

**Burnout** · 29-10-2008, 04:41 PM

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Sue That the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Darling, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Sue agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Sue's shoulder and said, 'Darling?
Please? Just one more time before I die?' She agreed, and then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep Barry, however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in his head, tossing and turning until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Darling, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen, I'm not trying to be funny, Barry, but I have to get up in the morning - you don't......'

**Burnout** · 29-10-2008, 04:51 PM

The day I lost Control:

AndrewR_AUII · 29-10-2008, 05:55 PM

Horrible F1 Accident...

**Burnout** · 29-10-2008, 06:41 PM

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

pauljh74 · 29-10-2008, 07:50 PM

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
********************************

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.

On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.

The consultant’s finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.

So as race day neared again the following year, the American team’s management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
************************************

Max Mosley has defended the controversial/suicidal plan of his to force all Formula 1 teams to use the exact same engine from 2010.

He says that the move is necessary to reduce costs and in his own words, "save the sport".

What he really means to say is:

"I hope that by systematically destroying F1 racing from the ground up till it's all gone, I will go down in history for that, rather than my Nazi bondage orgy."
****************************************

Six stages of married life:
1: Tri-weekly
2: Try weekly
3: Try weakly
4. Try oysters
5: Try anything
6: Try to remember
*****************************************

Three women are talking about there sex lives.
Woman1: "My husband is like a Rolls Royce: smooth and sophisticated."
Woman2: "Mine is like a Porsche: fast and powerful."
Woman3: "Mine's like a old Morris Minor: it needs a hand start and I have to jump on while its still going."
*****************************************

RSgerry · 30-10-2008, 12:19 AM

charliewool...the snake and bunny gag is absolute gold. reminds me of my last workplace...

**Burnout** · 30-10-2008, 09:32 PM

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for
a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with
Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he'd
sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what
you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! I
wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to
do that! I would be insane to pass up that opportunity!"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom
Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you
know how much a million could buy? "

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father
asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'Potentially' and
'Realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', we're sitting on three million
dollars, but 'Realistically', we're living with two 'slags' and a 'poof'."

pauljh74 · 30-10-2008, 11:02 PM

Here's a quick test to do in your spare time. This will freak you out! Count how many points you get to see your very own personalised comment!

QUESTION 1: Gentlemen, can you see your *member* without the aid of a mirror?
YES - 1 points
NO - 0 points

QUESTION 2: Can you correctly spell the name of your country (abbreviations do not count)?
YES - 1 point
NO - 0 points

QUESTION 3: Is America the best damn country in the world?
YES - 0 point
NO - 1 points

IF YOU SCORED 3 POINTS: What's it like being Australian?
IF YOU SCORED 2 POINTS: What's it like being fat?
IF YOU SCORED 1 POINT: What's it like being fat and stupid?
IF YOU SCORED 0 POINTS: How about them Nicks?

**********************************************

The United States has two thirds of the world's lawyers. India has 2/3 of the world's lepers. What is the mathematical relationship between these two statements of fact?

India had first choice

birdman941 · 31-10-2008, 02:08 AM

Funny how a great majority of Americans have a high opinion
and respect for Australia and its people.
Me, I only have a low opinion of one Aussie.

schnoods · 31-10-2008, 03:10 AM

Haha, cmon its all in good Jest.

Im sure there are a few aussies over there being the centre (or topic) of Jokes.

birdman941 · 31-10-2008, 03:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by schnoods

Haha, cmon its all in good Jest.

Im sure there are a few aussies over there being the centre (or topic) of Jokes.

Actually no.
The only Aussie "jokes" I have heard here are about how tough
your military is, and how hot the women are. (Both in a positive way)
Back to the Jokes.
Great thread.

irlewy86 · 31-10-2008, 12:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by birdman941

Actually no.
The only Aussie "jokes" I have heard here are about how tough
your military is, and how hot the women are. (Both in a positive way)
Back to the Jokes.
Great thread.

The Poms have plenty of Aussie bashing jokes.

Whats the difference between an Australian Wedding and an Australian Funeral?

One less drunk.

**Burnout** · 31-10-2008, 03:47 PM

The pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who
was looking for juicy stories of excitement and daring. He told Red,
"I'm sure my readers would love to hear the tale behind your peg leg."

"Well, I was thrown from the ship during gale force winds, and before me
mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean off."

The interviewer was sort of disappointed. "What about the hook at the
end of your right arm?"

"I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard."

Again the reporter was disappointed. "Certainly there's an exciting
story about the patch on your eye?"

"One day, I was out on deck, and a bird flew over and crapped in me
eye."

The reporter was amazed. "That's why you wear a patch?"

"Well, I'd only had me hook a couple of days."

irlewy86 · 31-10-2008, 03:51 PM

Pirate walks into the bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.

Bartender says, "You know you've got a steering wheel in your pants"

Pirate replies, "Arrr, its driving me nuts"

V3RSAC3 · 31-10-2008, 07:36 PM

I'd just like to let you all know that I will no longer be sharing racist jokes anymore because racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.

V3RSAC3 · 31-10-2008, 07:40 PM

A Sydney man sees a job advertised as a fanny waxers assistant. Job includes 'removine ladies knickers, prepare fanny for waxing & then rub in oil after waxing'. The man ask about the job at a Job Centre & is told to go to Perth. He asks if thats where the job is? The Job Centre says "No, thats the back of the freakin queue".

go_ford · 31-10-2008, 10:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by V3RSAC3

I'd just like to let you all know that I will no longer be sharing racist jokes anymore because racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.

LOL...thats a good one

Jesk · 01-11-2008, 12:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by V3RSAC3

I'd just like to let you all know that I will no longer be sharing racist jokes anymore because racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.

thought it was for wogs nath?!?!?

:

(sorry if that offends anyone not intended to just a playful jibe!)

pauljh74 · 01-11-2008, 12:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by birdman941

Funny how a great majority of Americans have a high opinion and respect for Australia and its people.
Me, I only have a low opinion of one Aussie.

The Americans who could find Australia on a map maybe :P

The original joke I found actually said if you got 3 points you were British
The joke site has alot of jokes on it, with alot of British posters and some are critical of yanks and many of the other ones aren't suitable for posting here. Despite having a perverted sense of humour, some of the jokes there definitely push the limits, but sometimes that can make them the best ones!
Probably why they called the site Sickipedia.

SM1DY · 01-11-2008, 12:45 AM

A man and a women are about to get married, then tragically they both die in horrific accident.

When they get to Heaven they ask St.Peter, "Can we still get married in Heaven?".

St.Peter replies "I'll just go find out for you".

After three days of waiting, St.peter returns to the couple and says "Apparently there are no rules against getting married in heaven, I was even able to find a preist to perform the ceremony.

The couple look at each other, then the man turns to St.Peter and says "Eternity's a long time, what happens if it doesn't work out and we decide we want to get divorced?".

St.Peter turns red with rages and says "It's just taken me 3 days to find a preist, how long do you think it will take me to find a Lawyer!"

ToCo · 01-11-2008, 01:27 AM

A man attends a fancy dress party with only a pair of jeans on, everyone at the party asks what he has come as and he replies "I am a premature ejaculator,
I only come in my Jeans."
-------------------------------
Why did the two condoms go to the gay bar?
To get S*** faced.

**Burnout** · 01-11-2008, 08:18 PM

An Ipswich girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the
counter.

"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

---===###===---

Ipswich Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

She says "OK, I'll take the red one."

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

---===###===---

An Ipswich girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.

Medic: It's okay - I'm a paramedic, and I'm going to ask you some questions.

Girl: Okay

Medic: What's your name?

Girl: Sharon

Medic: Okay Sharon. Is this your car?

Sharon: Yes

Medic: Where are you bleeding from?

Sharon: Bleeding Ipswich, mate.