23 of the worst jokes you'll ever hear. (Apparently)

[FordFan86]

1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least
one of them would have seen it

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but couldn't
find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know
you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have
a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him
down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really
heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my backside." ..."How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
peoplein my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night...


Now, who has some baby jokes? :o

[LUXO_8]

haha, funny!

[Danny]

Reminds me of those old comedians off the mafia movies where they just say crap like that and then theres the Boom Tish at the end of it. lol

[svo347]

Ohhhmyyygoddd some are good whilst the others..

[Pursuit_chick]

lmao, good stuff, some ive heard, some i havent and some are just lame :P

[THORNSPAWN]

Some of them aren't too bad.

[PH47]

Yeh some of them are classics.. in a good way.. others are classics.. in a "sighhhhhh" way.. :P

[98AUXR6]

Excellent, lightened my day!

[WizBang]

Ahh ,love it ,No23 is the best

[Redrum]

No.24

Q, What do you do if you find a spaceman?
A, You park in it man.


I liked joke 10 the best :nutsycuck

[gozza]

Q why did the plane crash?
A cos the pilot was a tomato

Q Why did the boy fall off his bike?
A Someone threw a fridge at him

dunno where they surfaced from
thats probly a good thing

[FordFan86]

A dyslexic man walks in a bra...

How many sound engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, two, one, two.

How many music critics does it take to change a light bulb?
They'll make you change it, then point out everything you did wrong.

[aimzes]

whats big, red and eats rocks?

a big, red, rock eater.

[PULLY6]

Whats brown and sticky?

A stick.

I"M BACK!

[Redrum]

this is better if only heard and not read.

q what is a sh_tzu

a a zoo with no animals in it

[Ringo]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope.........just when it's raining."


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'A Man and his wife were sitting in the living room watching a heart wrenching documentary of a brilliant athlete cut down in his prime by a debilitating stroke.

The Man says to his wife, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.


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Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar.
.
"Ah, Pierre," asks one, " 'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed
and on to ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" inquires his mate.

"I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!".

"And did you jump?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jump five feet. It is beneass my dignity."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jump!".

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass my dignity to jump ten feet."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous willy, and 'e
said: "If you do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right urp your burm."

"Ooooh!" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle, at ze beginning."

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A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won Tattslotto!"

Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

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A bachelor, Ed, tried to take a vacation every year. He was a golf nut and spent two weeks at Hyatt Regency Golf Course on the Sunshine Coast. Last month he met a woman there and fell head over heels in love with her.

On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner in Noosa and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.

They agreed that total honesty was important so there would be "no surprises" later that would destroy their love.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

"Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment.

Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action.

As it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks.

The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup

She is now at the mercy of the horses pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworth's
trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

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Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got in the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "IT's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

[Ringo]

THE MODERN NOAH

In the year 2005 the Lord came to Noah, who was now living in Australia, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. You need to build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans. You have 6 months to build the Ark before I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his Yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark? "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they wouldn't listen.

Then I had problems getting the wood. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save an endangered species, the spotted quoll. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the quolls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me for confining wild animals against their will. They said it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the local council ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many indigenous people I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

The Immigration department is checking the status of most of the people who want to work and I've even had a letter from Amanda Vanstone asking about my ethnic background!

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the Taxation department has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it."

[Ringo]

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't gain more than few hundred feet before it stalled and plunged into the ground

Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Seamus, "Any idea where we are?"

"Bejasus, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[Sagerian]

Originally Posted by aimzes

whats big, red and eats rocks?

a big, red, rock eater.

Haha that's gold.


What did the farmer say to the cow that was on the roof?


Get down you stupid cow!


haha that one slays me.

[Redrum]

What is big and white and sits in a tree?

A fridge

[Lightning Strike GT]

Two Irish brothers decided to emigrate to Australia Paddy and Mick but they both needed expert qualifications for the Australian immigration authorities to allow them entry
Paddy was the first to go through immigration and was asked what he did and replied I work as a diesel fitter with that he was let straight in because Australia was short of these people and next Mick went in and was asked what he did and his reply was and elastic band fitter for women's underwear and I work with Paddy , this baffled the immigration officer who said Paddy is a diesel fitter and we need them but there is no call for your occupation in Australia and Mick said yes that is right I put the elastic into the underwear and I give them to Paddy he looks at them and says yes these will fit her.
(You need to do an Irish accent to get it)

Another one

Paddy and Mick try again to get into Australia a few years later this time Mick was first and asked what he did and he replied I am a pilot and with that he was let in like Paddy last time, now it was Paddy's turn and he was asked what he did this time and he answered with I am a turf cutter and I work with together Mick and again the immigration officer was confused, Mick is a pilot and you are a turf cutter we don't need turf cutters in Australia, but Paddy said yes you do when I cut the turf I give it Mick to pile it.