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The Bar For non Automotive Related Chat |
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#1 | ||
FF.Com.Au Hardcore
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Central Q..10kms west of Rocky...
Posts: 8,307
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Well, try this for modern day madness - if Trafalgar was to happen this week:
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy." Hardy: "Aye, aye sir." Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?" Hardy: "Sorry sir?" Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?" Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist." Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco." Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments." Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle." Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking." Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead." Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water." Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please." Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir." Nelson: "What?" Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness, and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected." Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy." Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral." Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd." Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled." Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card." Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency." Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons." Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?" Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy." Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral." Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!" Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks." Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?" Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not." Nelson: "We're not?" Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation." Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil." Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report." Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King." Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life" Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?" Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment." Nelson: "What about sodomy?" Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir." Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy |
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#2 | ||
Slide Baby Slide
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: SA - The Drift State
Posts: 2,662
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CLASSIC!
Good ol' Rules and regs.......
__________________
:the_finge You want more inches...........STROKE IT!!! :the_finge Mr Super Skid-Man |
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#3 | ||
Regular Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 34
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Good read
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#4 | ||
Festoon This!!!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 410
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hahaha nice one
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#5 | ||
XR5 Pilot
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Perth, Ex NSW
Posts: 1,455
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...its funny because its true :P
__________________
'08 Ford Mondeo XR5 in Thunder |
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#6 | ||
I see you....
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location:
Posts: 989
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Didn't see the last line coming....very good
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#7 | ||
Official AFF conservative
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Adelaide, SA
Posts: 3,549
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Best read ive had in a long time!
__________________
A cup half empty... but full of euphoria. |
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#8 | ||||
Captain Malcolm Reynolds
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Adelaide
Posts: 3,830
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I love it!
__________________
Currently: 2014 Mazda6 GT (Daily) and 1999 Mazda MX5 (Fun Car) Previously: 2001 Ford Escape XLT; 2010 MC Mondeo; 1984 FD LTD; 2001 AU2 Falcon Forte; 2005 LS Focus Zetec; 1988 RE Colt; 1982 RB Colt; 1974 KE20 Corolla Quote:
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